When I Grow Up, I Wanna Be a Rerun

Throughout the history of academic-enforced writing assignments, one of the more tried and true topics doled out in elementary schools is the one that asks children what they want to be when they grow up. “In 200 words or less, describe your dream career. Remember that this will likely define your value to society, determine your friends, your spouse, etc. And pretty soon you’re 54 and living in a studio apartment with a couch you found on the street, wondering if you made the right choices in life, getting buried under a mountain of debt stemming from ballooning student loans and maxed out credit cards, occasionally glancing at the fine print on your life insurance policy for the word ‘suicide’. But, no pressure, children. The point is to just have fun.”

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Carly Donaldson erases ‘I want to be’ and replaces it with ‘I WILL be’ in her career essay, confident that it would solidify her future as a magic ballerina fairy in the land of Gumdrop Island.

The problem with making these requests of children is that maybe 1 in 1000 have an inkling what they want to do as a vocation. For me, the “ideal career” changed almost week to week. Occupations were usually sourced from such professional career sources as Nick-at-Nite or channel 20 on basic cable.

For example… Continue reading “When I Grow Up, I Wanna Be a Rerun”

Pint-sized Savings

Dictated by completely unnecessary necessity, I drove to the nearby Trader Joe’s. The intended outcome was to acquire sparkling water, some butternut squash zig-zags, and a piece of fruit, thereby stimulating the economy by another $6.73. What I walked away with, however, was a fleeting regret for ever having had a vasectomy.

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Desperate for a vasectomy, but afraid of letting needles get close to his hoo-hah and ding-a-lings, Clarence opted for the vasectomy via the ear canal procedure.

A sudden desire for something salty had brought me to the first aisle Continue reading “Pint-sized Savings”

SHAM or How To Be Cool Like Mike

When anyone meets me for the first time, they see that my build is slight, my hair looks like a Brylcreem ad, my glasses are older than me, and I’m probably humming a song that their grandparents might hear and go, “That song was popular when I was a kid. That’s before your time, isn’t it? Wait, are you Dorian Gray?” In short, I am not someone whose finger is on the pulse of hip culture. Of course, the reason for that is because hip culture filed a restraining order against me, and I’m now unable to get that close to it. It has absolutely nothing to do with my being a huge square. Nope.

So, when someone says to me “You look like Rick Moranis in Ghostbusters” or “You look like the older version of George McFly in Back To The Future”, I know what they mean. What they’re really saying is, “You are clearly the most effortlessly cool person I’ve ever met. Tell me how to be better. Tell me how to be more you-ish and less me-ish.”

As Carl Rathburn soon learned, being more Mike Calahan-ish is more than just wearing glasses. It's not having a chin and shaving your chest with a dull razor.
As Carl Rathburn soon learned, being Mike Calahan-like is more than just wearing glasses. It’s also developing a weaker chin and shaving your chest with a dull razor.

Continue reading “SHAM or How To Be Cool Like Mike”

Tips For The Modern World

Living in a modern world is not necessarily a difficult or insurmountable task. Oh sure, for folks like myself, life is simply a series of easily-achieved goals and back-to-back successes that follow one another like an endless line of Dominos. Does that mean the rest of you can’t try? Of course not. Whether you’re entertaining guests in the walk-in closet your landlord advertised as a studio apartment or home alone because everyone you called is “busy with a, uh, thing,” being an adult in the modern world is easy. It can also make for a better you. And isn’t a better you better than the not-better you that you can be better than?

So, for all of you average Joe’s and Josephine’s, I have compiled a few helpful observations on life in the modern world.

The Joe and Josephine Society of Planterville listen to an introduction by their newest member Gary Garrison.
The Joe and Josephine Society that gathered at JoJo’s Pharmacy in Joeville listen to an introduction by their newest member Gary Garrison.

Continue reading “Tips For The Modern World”

The Tinkle Controversy

The Place: Tacoma, WA.

At Idylwild Elementary, 204 was the only classroom that had its own bathroom. Believe me when I say that this was a pretty big deal.  Students in other classes were forced to walk to the community bathrooms on either side of the school. Like suckers. Public restroom-using suckers. On rainy days, we lucky kids of 204 weren’t forced to don our winter coats just because we had an extra glass of milk with breakfast. Instead, we could get up and be back in our seat minutes later, ignoring whatever was being taught. It was like having access to an employees only bathroom at the grocery store or being able to use the bathroom that was attached to your grandparents’ room. It felt so fancy! With the exception of being able to drive or vote or even read at an appropriate age level, most of us felt that we were pretty much adults.

It was in the middle of his lesson on leaks when Warren learned of his own susceptibility to the power of suggestion.

For a while, it was great. Until…

Continue reading “The Tinkle Controversy”

So… Where Was I?

My last post was April of 2015.

However, after a number* of emails asking why I was not posting, how I was and other friendly reaching-out’s, I decided to return and try to engage what is undoubtedly a dedicated readership waiting with bated breath for me to speak directly to their souls via the written word.

After six days of observation, doctors at St. Agnes of Moorehead chalked up Doris as having an acute case of “stummy ache”. What doctors didn’t realize was that Doris was having withdrawal symptoms resulting from not having a B.L.O.G fix in what felt like years. Also, she was addicted to morphine.

I am aware that much has changed with many of my readers, some good and some bad.
Continue reading “So… Where Was I?”