SHAM or How To Be Cool Like Mike

When anyone meets me for the first time, they see that my build is slight, my hair looks like a Brylcreem ad, my glasses are older than me, and I’m probably humming a song that their grandparents might hear and go, “That song was popular when I was a kid. That’s before your time, isn’t it? Wait, are you Dorian Gray?” In short, I am not someone whose finger is on the pulse of hip culture. Of course, the reason for that is because hip culture filed a restraining order against me, and I’m now unable to get that close to it. It has absolutely nothing to do with my being a huge square. Nope.

So, when someone says to me “You look like Rick Moranis in Ghostbusters” or “You look like the older version of George McFly in Back To The Future”, I know what they mean. What they’re really saying is, “You are clearly the most effortlessly cool person I’ve ever met. Tell me how to be better. Tell me how to be more you-ish and less me-ish.”

As Carl Rathburn soon learned, being more Mike Calahan-ish is more than just wearing glasses. It's not having a chin and shaving your chest with a dull razor.
As Carl Rathburn soon learned, being Mike Calahan-like is more than just wearing glasses. It’s also developing a weaker chin and shaving your chest with a dull razor.

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Lazy Lists

Tips For The Modern World

Living in a modern world is not necessarily a difficult or insurmountable task. Oh sure, for folks like myself, life is simply a series of easily-achieved goals and back-to-back successes that follow one another like an endless line of Dominos. Does that mean the rest of you can’t try? Of course not. Whether you’re entertaining guests in the walk-in closet your landlord advertised as a studio apartment or home alone because everyone you called is “busy with a, uh, thing,” being an adult in the modern world is easy. It can also make for a better you. And isn’t a better you better than the not-better you that you can be better than?

So, for all of you average Joe’s and Josephine’s, I have compiled a few helpful observations on life in the modern world.

The Joe and Josephine Society of Planterville listen to an introduction by their newest member Gary Garrison.
The Joe and Josephine Society that gathered at JoJo’s Pharmacy in Joeville listen to an introduction by their newest member Gary Garrison.

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Lazy Lists

Style Tips For Men and Women


“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”

“Leaving a little to the imagination is sexy”

These are just a few of the pieces of advice handed down from first-time life coaches and stale fortune cookies. These words of wisdom continue to be handed out like prostitution leaflets on a Vegas street because they are tried and true, for the ages, informative instructions that continue to inspire and reward.

As someone who has been certified in EUTS (Everything Under The Sun) from the Professional Institute of Placeimadeup, I feel compelled to bestow some of my (not yet) patented words of higher knowledge to my readers, especially the intellectually inferior among you (no Le Names, but you know who you are.)

Knowing how to carry oneself is important because it can mean the difference between getting the job or getting a friendly email that says ‘You were one of the worst applicants we’ve ever had. Ever’ but disguised in a thinly veiled ‘Did not meet the requirements’. I know what you meant, Janice Beekman of Mansonite Bros. Corp. LLC.

“…not qualified for the job, hmm? What do they mean by that ‘not qualified’? I bet they hated that I wore mens briefs as pants. That’s what it means, doesn’t it? What was I thinking?”

Dressing appropriately and stylishly can also mean the difference between a flirtatious look of interest from that attractive person across the room and that attractive group pointing at you and laughing from across the room.

To alleviate any gender confusion, I have separated the tips into two categories: Men and Women. For those of you who fit into neither or both categories, take away whatever resonates with you. Also, which bathroom do you use? I mean, like, in public. Whoa, whoa, I’m not judging! I’m just curious.

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