BLOG, Every Day Episodes

Good Dog Day Afternoon

At my office, employees are encouraged to bring their dogs into work. By that, I don’t mean that employees are encouraged to bring the dogs in to do work. Rather, they are encouraged to treat the office as a dog-friendly environment.

The dogs are well-behaved and free to roam around, sleep under desks, and turn anything they find in the waste baskets into a toy. At times, they alert the office to such events as a FedEx truck arriving, a UPS truck arriving, or even a USPS truck arriving. Clients and strangers alike are greeted with wagging tails and bright eyes of enthusiasm. Often, this enthusiasm is reciprocated by way of pats to the head and/or baby talk Q&A that is invariably one-sided: ‘Who’s a good doggy? You are. Yes, you are. Are you a happy dog? Are you? Yes, you are.’

Tired of his owner communicating in baby talk, Abner Poodleday takes matters into his own hands. At least in prison they’ll talk to him with some respect.

In a dog-friendly office, it’s easy to forget that not everyone likes dogs.

Continue reading “Good Dog Day Afternoon”

forces of geek, Humor, Writing

Disney Films For Snuffies

Originally Published on Forces of Geek. 

Walt Disney liked to appeal to the varying aspects of everyone’s internal self. Disneyland was built, for example, to appeal to the child in all of us. The Haunted Mansion was designed to captivate both the morbidity and dark humor that many guests harbor.

Pirates Lair (formerly Tom Sawyer Island–suck it, Mark Twain!) is a world in which visitors could get in touch with the glorified drunkenness, murder and thievery associated with our romanticized ideals of piracy.

Mickey Mouse, as another example, was a sensation simply because he appealed to the belief in us that everyone, no matter how deep one might have to dig, is essentially good and honest at their core.

Snow White, Cinderella and scores of other films reinforced human nature’s belief that good conquers evil and that love will always conquer hate.

Don’t worry, buddy. Your daddy’s gonna be alllll-right. He’s just, uh, sleeping.

Unintentionally, of course, Disney appeals to other elements in our society that may not share a consensus or shared vision with the general population, but who still have money to spend and are, therefore, equal in the eyes of capitalism.

One element (or sub-culture) that has found an outlet, an outlet not frowned upon by those hoity-toity “normals” that pollute the world, is that of the connoisseurs of that genre of film known as snuff films.

Continue reading “Disney Films For Snuffies”

Childhood = 100 Years Ago

Oh (Boy) Mein (Drunk) Papa

For my 11th birthday, I hosted a sleepover for eight of my friends at our home in Tacoma, WA.

In case any of you don’t know, sleepovers are different than slumber parties. Like, inherently different. Sleepovers were for boys and, therefore, awesome. Slumber parties were for stupid ol’ girls and, therefore, stupid. Slumber parties, I assumed, had tea and sandwiches, had stuffed animals included on the guest list, incessant talks about ponies and ended at 9:00 when everyone went to sleep and dreamt of stupid girl stuff like princes and weddings and rainbows. Sleepovers revolved around junk food, a slasher movie on Showtime and staying up as late as possible.

Sugar! Its for breakfast and dinner!
                  Sugar! Its for breakfast and dinner!

Fueled by cheap pizza and gallons of brand name sugar water (the brand name being ‘Soda’), my friends and I laughed, burped and whispered dirty words well into the night. Continue reading “Oh (Boy) Mein (Drunk) Papa”

BLOG, Childhood = 100 Years Ago

When I Grow Up, I Wanna Be a Rerun

Throughout the history of academic-enforced writing assignments, one of the more tried and true topics doled out in elementary schools is the one that asks children what they want to be when they grow up. “In 200 words or less, describe your dream career. Remember that this will likely define your value to society, determine your friends, your spouse, etc. And pretty soon you’re 54 and living in a studio apartment with a couch you found on the street, wondering if you made the right choices in life, getting buried under a mountain of debt stemming from ballooning student loans and maxed out credit cards, occasionally glancing at the fine print on your life insurance policy for the word ‘suicide’. But, no pressure, children. The point is to just have fun.”

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Carly Donaldson erases ‘I want to be’ and replaces it with ‘I WILL be’ in her career essay, confident that it would solidify her future as a magic ballerina fairy in the land of Gumdrop Island.

The problem with making these requests of children is that maybe 1 in 1000 have an inkling what they want to do as a vocation. For me, the “ideal career” changed almost week to week. Occupations were usually sourced from such professional career sources as Nick-at-Nite or channel 20 on basic cable.

For example… Continue reading “When I Grow Up, I Wanna Be a Rerun”

Every Day Episodes

Pint-sized Savings

Dictated by completely unnecessary necessity, I drove to the nearby Trader Joe’s. The intended outcome was to acquire sparkling water, some butternut squash zig-zags, and a piece of fruit, thereby stimulating the economy by another $6.73. What I walked away with, however, was a fleeting regret for ever having had a vasectomy.

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Desperate for a vasectomy, but afraid of letting needles get close to his hoo-hah and ding-a-lings, Clarence opted for the vasectomy via the ear canal procedure.

A sudden desire for something salty had brought me to the first aisle Continue reading “Pint-sized Savings”

Smartass

SHAM or How To Be Cool Like Mike

When anyone meets me for the first time, they see that my build is slight, my hair looks like a Brylcreem ad, my glasses are older than me, and I’m probably humming a song that their grandparents might hear and go, “That song was popular when I was a kid. That’s before your time, isn’t it? Wait, are you Dorian Gray?” In short, I am not someone whose finger is on the pulse of hip culture. Of course, the reason for that is because hip culture filed a restraining order against me, and I’m now unable to get that close to it. It has absolutely nothing to do with my being a huge square. Nope.

So, when someone says to me “You look like Rick Moranis in Ghostbusters” or “You look like the older version of George McFly in Back To The Future”, I know what they mean. What they’re really saying is, “You are clearly the most effortlessly cool person I’ve ever met. Tell me how to be better. Tell me how to be more you-ish and less me-ish.”

As Carl Rathburn soon learned, being more Mike Calahan-ish is more than just wearing glasses. It's not having a chin and shaving your chest with a dull razor.
As Carl Rathburn soon learned, being Mike Calahan-like is more than just wearing glasses. It’s also developing a weaker chin and shaving your chest with a dull razor.

Continue reading “SHAM or How To Be Cool Like Mike”