Childhood = 100 Years Ago

Oh (Boy) Mein (Drunk) Papa

For my 11th birthday, I hosted a sleepover for eight of my friends at our home in Tacoma, WA.

In case any of you don’t know, sleepovers are different than slumber parties. Like, inherently different. Sleepovers were for boys and, therefore, awesome. Slumber parties were for stupid ol’ girls and, therefore, stupid. Slumber parties, I assumed, had tea and sandwiches, had stuffed animals included on the guest list, incessant talks about ponies and ended at 9:00 when everyone went to sleep and dreamt of stupid girl stuff like princes and weddings and rainbows. Sleepovers revolved around junk food, a slasher movie on Showtime and staying up as late as possible.

Sugar! Its for breakfast and dinner!
                  Sugar! Its for breakfast and dinner!

Fueled by cheap pizza and gallons of brand name sugar water (the brand name being ‘Soda’), my friends and I laughed, burped and whispered dirty words well into the night. Continue reading “Oh (Boy) Mein (Drunk) Papa”

Childhood = 100 Years Ago

This Birthday Memory Brought To You By Coors

For my 11th birthday, I hosted a sleepover for eight of my friends at our home in Tacoma, WA.

In case any of you don’t know, sleepovers are different than slumber parties. Like, inherently different. Sleepovers were for boys and, therefore, awesome. Slumber parties were for stupid ol’ girls and, therefore, stupid. Slumber parties, I assumed, had tea and sandwiches, had stuffed animals included on the guest list, incessant talks about ponies and ended at 9:00 when everyone went to sleep and dreamt of stupid girl stuff like princes and weddings and rainbows. Sleepovers revolved around junk food, a slasher movie on Showtime and staying up as late as possible.

With sleeping bags strewn about the living room, my friends and I laughed, burped and whispered “dirty words” well into the night, fueled by cheap pizza and gallons of brand name sugar water (the brand name being ‘Soda’.) My sister opted to spend that night at a friend’s house, my dad had been out since 7, so the only person in danger of being kept up was my mother. Either a heavy sleeper or the definition of lenient, my mother never complained or asked us to quiet down.

Around 1:30 or so, my friend Tim was entertaining us with a secondhand Cheech and Chong routine he had heard from his brother-in-law. The bit had something to do with bodily functions, which was the height of comedy at 11, so we laughed like hyenas on nitrous oxide.

“Bodily functions! hahahahaha! Bathroom reference! hahahahaha!”

It was then that we heard my dad’s car pull into the driveway. At the first sign of an adult, standard sleepover protocol dictated everyone pretend to be asleep. And so, as what sounded like 200 keys rattled to unlock the front door and the first sounds of cowboy boots clomped on the entryway linoleum, none of us knew that our sleepover was to be front row to what happened next. Continue reading “This Birthday Memory Brought To You By Coors”

Smartass

Summertime Captions For Awful People

Today is the first day of Autumn.

This means it is time to say goodbye to Summer. It is time to realize that we can do better than Summer. For some of us, perhaps it’s time to pretend we never even met Summer. That’s right, Summer. We’ve moved on.

Need more proof, Summer? Look at my new relationship status on Facebook:

post share empty facebook status vector clipart icon ztuts

Now, some folks (mostly friends and co-workers of Summer’s) might say that I Continue reading “Summertime Captions For Awful People”

Smartass

Holiday Captions For Awful People 2013

befunky_xmas017

As with last year, I have decided that the best way to celebrate the holidays is by putting together a sort of thank you to all my new readers,  including the following folks who are, like, completely not spambots and are instead, like, super legit readers:

      elitesecuritycameras (a really big supporter of mine for years)

      freepsychologyreading (get a few drinks in this guy and you will hear some amazing stories!)

      bookcheaphotelsonline (Kind, soft-spoken and knows all there is to know about cheap hotels, so hit him up)

      ใส้หมูสับนี่อยู่ข้างในนั้นเป็นการ (what can I say? I love you, squiggly! I don’t care who knows it)

So, for new readers and old ones alike, please feel free to download these images that I “borrowed” and share them in celebration of the true meaning of Christmas: Maxing Out Your Credit Cards! Continue reading “Holiday Captions For Awful People 2013”