Every Day Episodes

Pint-sized Savings

Dictated by completely unnecessary necessity, I drove to the nearby Trader Joe’s. The intended outcome was to acquire sparkling water, some butternut squash zig-zags, and a piece of fruit, thereby stimulating the economy by another $6.73. What I walked away with, however, was a fleeting regret for ever having had a vasectomy.

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Desperate for a vasectomy, but afraid of letting needles get close to his hoo-hah and ding-a-lings, Clarence opted for the vasectomy via the ear canal procedure.

A sudden desire for something salty had brought me to the first aisle Continue reading “Pint-sized Savings”

Every Day Episodes

A Look Into Rebound Relationships

NOTE – While I am offline writing fiction and ignoring my blog, I’ve decided to post a few pieces that 99% of you have never read or heard of.

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Romance, l’amour, that’s amore, gettin’ freaky.

Everybody, from the most social of butterflies to the cave-dwelling hermit, loves when romance rears its often misleading head. As is most often the case, new love starts off strong and intense, but soon fizzles out once the blinds of love are removed and each person realizes how loathsome the other really is. That isn’t to say that avoiding romance altogether is the road best traveled. Instead, when romance comes your way, embrace it. But, embrace it the way you might a baby cougar. While it’s still cute and innocent, enjoy it. But, the moment its claws sharpen, the moment its appetite is piqued at the first sight of blood, put it in a box marked CANDY and mail it to your nearest enemy.

"It's a wrong number, sure, but he does sound single. And I do want to answer questions about my credit score. Hmm, this may just work out."
“It’s a wrong number, sure, but he does sound single. Besides, David never once asked about my credit score and this fella wants to talk of nothing but. What to do, what to do?”

There are many romances that can cause disappointment, but such is life. ‘It’s better to have loved and lost…’ and all that. Such things make us better people. Still, there is one romance to be weary of, one to be actively avoided, as a matter of fact. That is the one termed ‘the rebound’. Continue reading “A Look Into Rebound Relationships”

Every Day Episodes

Fall Down? Hmm… Interesting.

NOTE – While I am offline writing fiction and ignoring my blog, I’ve decided to post a few pieces that 99% of you have never read or heard of.

The following was originally published by The Short Humour Site

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Let me begin this by saying that I am not indifferent or completely cold (notice I said ‘completely’) nor do I consider myself a misanthrope (except in regards to individuals who are considerably better-looking than me, have more money or who possess a far greater talent. In my opinion, these people should rot!) I do what I can to champion the underdog, fight the good fight, etc.  Yet, with regards to the world around me, more often than not I find myself not a reactionary, but an observer–less the surgeon and more the heart monitor that beeps incessantly to the annoyance of the curmudgeon in the bed nearby. I seem to watch the goings-on of others in much the same way I would a courtroom drama: the only reaction being ‘I wonder what’s gonna happen next.’

"So, he slipped on the ice and fell down these stairs, eh?" "Yup. Hit his head pretty hard, too." "Should we call an ambulance?" "No, I want to see if he can get up on his own. I'm curious."
“So, he slipped on the ice and fell down these stairs, eh?”
“Yup. Hit his head pretty hard, too.”
“Should we call an ambulance?”
“No, I wanna see if he gets up on his own. I’m just curious is all.”

Once, I was sitting at a crowded cafe (doing my part to stimulate the economy with a $2 coffee purchase) when a grizzled man got up and, as quickly as he stood, pitched forward to the floor. Continue reading “Fall Down? Hmm… Interesting.”

Every Day Episodes, The Day (Back In)

Phillip’s Coming To Dinner (A Cautionary Tale)

In the years since our time working together in retail hell, Phillip* and I had kept in sporadic contact. Just when I’d start to wonder how he was doing, the phone would ring or an email would arrive. This time, it had been somewhere in the neighborhood of a year without contact when I received a call from him. As usual, Phillip’s voice was its upbeat self (monotone, except for the upward intonation always on the last syllable). He talked of his new job, new house, new car, all of the good turns his life had taken. Phillip was a good guy, but a good guy hounded by demons of which his dominance over waxed and waned like an AA member who is forever re-achieving that 30-day sobriety coin. This is why hearing about the good things in his life was reason to rejoice. So, before hanging up, I invited Phillip to the house for dinner. We’d make gnocchi, it’d be a good time.

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It’s just dinner. What could possibly go wrong?

Phillip arrived, had found my directions clear enough, had hit no traffic, etc. Waiting for our guest was a 4-pack of his drink of choice, Guinness. I told him to take home whatever he didn’t finish because neither myself nor my wife are big beer drinkers. “I’ll probably finish ’em,” he said with a laugh. “I don’t like to leave a Guinness unopened. It’s a crime, Mike. I can’t do it.” And with a click-fwwish, he opened his first can. Continue reading “Phillip’s Coming To Dinner (A Cautionary Tale)”

Every Day Episodes

A Corporate Bull and an Evangelical Walk Into a Coffeeshop

When this happened, I hurried to get it down while it was still fresh in my mind. There is a maximum 24-hour lifespan for any information stored in my brain. Once that time is up, it’s lost forever and my 20GB brain retains its constant (although, admittedly useless) 19.5GB of free space.

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Having stimulated the nation’s economy with a $2.50 purchase (you’re welcome, America), I sat down at the one free table in the coffeeshop and set to complete a copywriting task. At the next table, a woman spoke to a teenage girl in what sounded like a monologue disguised as advice, sounding somewhat scripted (or, at least, rehearsed), the moments of inflection delivered with the sincerity and spontaneity of a laugh track. The woman’s voice rose and fell in volume, so that sentences that began with, “Once you invite God in…” and “Here’s what God wants for you…” then fell to a low and inaudible tone, the words lost on bespectacled busybody at the next table.

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Vivien is pleasantly surprised to learn that we’ve replaced her usual fundamentalist dogma with Folgers Crystals.

At the table behind them sat a man in the middle of an animated discussion. I’d presumed he was talking to someone sitting across from him, but Continue reading “A Corporate Bull and an Evangelical Walk Into a Coffeeshop”