forces of geek, Humor, Writing

Disney Films For Snuffies

Originally Published on Forces of Geek. 

Walt Disney liked to appeal to the varying aspects of everyone’s internal self. Disneyland was built, for example, to appeal to the child in all of us. The Haunted Mansion was designed to captivate both the morbidity and dark humor that many guests harbor.

Pirates Lair (formerly Tom Sawyer Island–suck it, Mark Twain!) is a world in which visitors could get in touch with the glorified drunkenness, murder and thievery associated with our romanticized ideals of piracy.

Mickey Mouse, as another example, was a sensation simply because he appealed to the belief in us that everyone, no matter how deep one might have to dig, is essentially good and honest at their core.

Snow White, Cinderella and scores of other films reinforced human nature’s belief that good conquers evil and that love will always conquer hate.

Don’t worry, buddy. Your daddy’s gonna be alllll-right. He’s just, uh, sleeping.

Unintentionally, of course, Disney appeals to other elements in our society that may not share a consensus or shared vision with the general population, but who still have money to spend and are, therefore, equal in the eyes of capitalism.

One element (or sub-culture) that has found an outlet, an outlet not frowned upon by those hoity-toity “normals” that pollute the world, is that of the connoisseurs of that genre of film known as snuff films.

Thanks to some clever marketing by Disney, snuff film aficionados (or Snuffies) that are also happen to be parents now have an outlet they can be share with their kids without having to worry about police involvement. Recently, some Disney classics have found their way onto the top 20 list of SnufFlix’s all-time favorites of several users:

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

Leftnright4Dead of Cleveland writes, “SW&7D’s is a favorite in our home. The kids love it because of all the animation and crap, but my wife and I can’t get enough of the sexy old witch getting crushed by a boulder. Hot damn! Sometimes when the kids are in bed, we put that scene on a loop and just pelt each other with small stones.”

Sleeping Beauty (1959)

Coldnclammy43 of Barstow writes “I love the ending of this movie ‘cuz that goth queen turns into a hot-ass dragon and gets a sword in the heart. They even show a little bit of blood, so that really makes the scene. My daughter always throws up when she sees it, but, I’ll be honest, that scene is like the time I stumbled across that corpse in the sewer. Hot, hot, hot!”

Typical dragon, bringin' fire to a knife fight.
Typical dragon, bringin’ fire to a knife fight.

Old Yeller (1956)

Stomponit33 of Las Vegas writes, “When that boy points his rifle at Yeller, you can see that he becomes a man in that scene because he’s all ‘Wow, I just shot that dog, but, like, I’m all tingly inside and kinda wanna do it again…and again…and again.’ I think it’s a good message for kids that, you know, it’s okay to want to kill things for your own hedonistic pleasure and don’t let parents or teachers or buttinski animal rights groups tell you otherwise. I’m one of the few cinefiles who only likes animal snuff films. Wanting to see people get murdered is just wrong and kind of sick.”

"After pullin' that trigger, did ya, well, did ya kinda like it? I mean, like it a lot? Now, folks'll talk, but just ignore 'em. Never be ashamed of being a sick freak, boy."
“After pullin’ that trigger, did ya, well, did ya kinda like it? I mean, like it a lot? Now, folks’ll talk, but just ignore ’em. Never be ashamed of being a sick freak, boy.”

Pollyanna (1962)

Cthlic4evr of Plymouth writes, “Pollyanna falls out of the tree and you think she’s gonna die BUT THEN SHE DOESN’T!!! Greatest snuff tease film of all time! I’ll never forgive you, Haley!”

Hayley Mills, Snuff Tease
Hayley Mills, Snuff Tease

The Black Hole (1979)

Grvdggrofluv of El Paso writes, “The essential snuff film for the whole family. An entire crew made up of almost-dead people is the equivalent of a dress with a hint of cleavage. Ugh! So close! Then, the destruction and death that follows the meteors (the red hot meteors. Wink-wink) is just a titillating bacchanal. Even robots end up dying, so my eldest son was really into that. He’s really starting to come around.”

"I know your circuits are shutting down, but I cannot help but feel the first sense of eroticism Ive ever experienced. Curious."
“I know your circuits are shutting down, but I cannot help but feel the first sense of eroticism I’ve ever experienced. Very curious.”

So, if you are into snuff films, do not feel discouraged by a lack of legal films. Like fans of family dramas, slapstick, animated misogyny or even non-violent forms of child abuse, you can find what you need to satisfy your entertainment requirements by perusing Disney’s catalog of films. And if by chance you get a questioning look from the video rental clerk when you ask for a recommendation of ‘…any Disney film that has a really sexy death scene,’ just remember to add ‘It’s for my kid’ and no one will be the wiser that you are morally bankrupt. Don’t worry, we won’t tell.

Wink.

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