Lazy Lists

Tips For The Modern World

Living in a modern world is not necessarily a difficult or insurmountable task. Oh sure, for folks like myself, life is simply a series of easily-achieved goals and back-to-back successes that follow one another like an endless line of Dominos. Does that mean the rest of you can’t try? Of course not. Whether you’re entertaining guests in the walk-in closet your landlord advertised as a studio apartment or home alone because everyone you called is “busy with a, uh, thing,” being an adult in the modern world is easy. It can also make for a better you. And isn’t a better you better than the not-better you that you can be better than?

So, for all of you average Joe’s and Josephine’s, I have compiled a few helpful observations on life in the modern world.

The Joe and Josephine Society of Planterville listen to an introduction by their newest member Gary Garrison.
The Joe and Josephine Society that gathered at JoJo’s Pharmacy in Joeville listen to an introduction by their newest member Gary Garrison.

Tips For Men

 

If you go to the gym, someone will always be checking out your gut

There is no fine dining equivalent to a Spork

You not shaving for three weeks didn’t actually affect Super Bowl results

Ketchup should not always be the secret ingredient

Owning the newest technology does not translate into you being a more interesting person

Your job title, Asst. Junior Marketing Coordinator II, is gibberish

Nothing that is advertised as Family Size should ever be eaten alone

Ordering a veggie burger with bacon started off as ethical, but then you dropped the ball

You will never have a “Let’s Dance!” moment like Kevin Bacon in Footloose

Even in front of a 55” plasma screen, a TV dinner is still pathetic

As Larry Johnson told it, a warm bath, a good cigar, and his favorite TV show were all he needed for a good Friday night. Secretly, though, Larry hoped the table leg would snap and drop the TV into the tub. He resented the fact that It never did.
As Larry Johnson told it, a warm bath, a good cigar, and his favorite TV show were all he needed. Each night, though, Larry hoped the table leg would snap and drop the TV into the tub. And each night, he resented the fact that it never did.

Tips For Women

 

If you go to the gym, someone will always be checking out your butt

Unless you are 8, receiving an ‘Atta girl’ is always condescending

Not everyone appreciates scented candles and bath oils as Christmas gifts

Your dream wedding will most likely look like everyone else’s

A male neighbor will always help you move furniture

Eventually, baby fever will give way to teenager remorse

It is always easier for you to just be friends than it is for him

Prince Charming was an animated, fictional character and is therefore negated as a male standard

No one should admire your sideburns

Whether it was Robert's own male pattern baldness or his daughter's perpetual sideburns, he knew the Farmingham family follicles were one of nature's cruel jokes.
Whether it was his own male pattern baldness or his daughter’s perpetual sideburns, Robert Farmingham knew his family’s follicles were one of nature’s cruel jokes.

Ladies and gentlemen, young and old, ugly and attractive, short and tall, manic and depressive, you’re welcome.

 

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