Living in a modern world is not necessarily a difficult or insurmountable task. Oh sure, for folks like myself, life is simply a series of easily-achieved goals and back-to-back successes that follow one another like an endless line of Dominos. Does that mean the rest of you can’t try? Of course not. Whether you’re entertaining guests in the walk-in closet your landlord advertised as a studio apartment or home alone because everyone you called is “busy with a, uh, thing,” being an adult in the modern world is easy. It can also make for a better you. And isn’t a better you better than the not-better you that you can be better than?
So, for all of you average Joe’s and Josephine’s, I have compiled a few helpful observations on life in the modern world.
Tips For Men
If you go to the gym, someone will always be checking out your gut
There is no fine dining equivalent to a Spork
You not shaving for three weeks didn’t actually affect Super Bowl results
Ketchup should not always be the secret ingredient
Owning the newest technology does not translate into you being a more interesting person
Your job title, Asst. Junior Marketing Coordinator II, is gibberish
Nothing that is advertised as Family Size should ever be eaten alone
Ordering a veggie burger with bacon started off as ethical, but then you dropped the ball
You will never have a “Let’s Dance!” moment like Kevin Bacon in Footloose
Even in front of a 55” plasma screen, a TV dinner is still pathetic
Tips For Women
If you go to the gym, someone will always be checking out your butt
Unless you are 8, receiving an ‘Atta girl’ is always condescending
Not everyone appreciates scented candles and bath oils as Christmas gifts
Your dream wedding will most likely look like everyone else’s
A male neighbor will always help you move furniture
Eventually, baby fever will give way to teenager remorse
It is always easier for you to just be friends than it is for him
Prince Charming was an animated, fictional character and is therefore negated as a male standard
No one should admire your sideburns
Ladies and gentlemen, young and old, ugly and attractive, short and tall, manic and depressive, you’re welcome.