forces of geek, Writing

Disney Proves Evolution

Freedom of beliefs is a hallmark in our society, but not the freedom of facts.

Facts are, by their nature, proven statements, events, outcomes, etc. So, it’s hard to hear proclamations by so-called Disney Creationists that Walt created Mickey and Minnie in his own image.

The problem with this thinking is that it is naïve and myopic.

It fails to take into account historical eyewitnesses and, at times, disregards photographic proof as propaganda or, at times, conspiracy.

I understand their standpoint, though. I mean, the moment they allow themselves to accept that Mickey Mouse did, in fact, evolve, then it creates a shaky ground for their other beliefs.

Once they admit they were wrong, then what next?

Must they recognize that odds are slim that Donald Duck’s role on Noah’s Ark was embellished or, yes, a work of fiction?

Must they admit that Disney is not run by the Illuminati, who use Disneyland as a cover for child abduction?

A completely factual event is sullied by Donald Duck’s attempt to rewrite historical accuracy.

When discussing the evolution of Mickey Mouse, we must look past his animated form.

The animation and changes in appearance can be more attributed to the variety of artists using different skills.

However, Mickey Mouse in person, a living, breathing 5-foot mouse whose appearance changes over time, cannot be seen as anything other than nature at work.

When Disneyland opened in July of 1955 and broadcast live on ABC, millions of viewers experienced something new to television: a collective horror.

On this day, Mickey Mouse had been brought to life, to frolic with the guests and other characters in a kingdom that was to be his new home. An unfortunate side-effect of Mickey’s corporeal form was that he was spawned from the nightmares of the very children who once idolized him.

“Hi, kids. Wanna know how we got these scars? It’s a funny story…”

Mickey had already been seen by thousands of kids during Disney On Ice, but this was the first chance anyone had gotten to see him close-up. For this, no one was appreciative. It seemed that Mickey and Minnie both had been created with giant gashes about their faces, giving them an almost sinister look of having giant fangs.

Of course, the Disney apologists out there will say these disfiguring scars were “vents” which allowed the “actors inside” to breathe. Yeah, nice try, whackos. But no one is falling for it.

By 1956, plastic surgery had begun to make some amazing progress in terms of procedures and nowhere is this more evident than Mickey and Minnie. Once the scarred inspiration for Heath Ledger’s Joker, the mouse couple began to look more and more like something kids could approach without soiling themselves out of abject terror.

“Wait, come back! We need the screams of children for sustenance.”

Around 1960, evolution had given Mickey and Minnie more useful eyes and cheeks.

Gone were the days of the kidnapper smile and welcome were the cartoonish smiles that were friendly and warm. Their giant shoes were replaced with abnormally small feet that looked, I dunno, almost human. How these tiny concubine feet were able to balance such bulbous heads is in itself a mystery of gravity.

“Stop telling everyone I have little girl feet, Minnie. Besides, it’s all about how you use them, everyone knows that.”

Guests who visited in 1961 were treated to a new Mickey and Minnie.

The big shoes were back, but the characters’ heads had become huge! And had the ability to look deflated on hot days! Worst of all, kids who ran up to Mickey and asked for an autograph were disappointed to learn that neither of Mickey’s arms worked. They just hung there, useless, moveable only when the body was quickly turned letting momentum flap the arms back and forth. It seems both characters had suffered some intracranial elephantiasis that rendered their arms useless due to what can only be assumed was a constant state of semi-paralysis.

Truly they were experiencing their own very painful form of growing pains.

“Please, don’t ask to shake our hands or sign autographs or hug you or clap or point or lend a hand or carry your dreams.”

Along with the Vietnam War and the Nixon presidency, the 1970’s also saw the end of the most severe of the evolutionary process for Mickey. Finally, guests could visit once every few years and still recognize Mickey. As with any of us, our appearance takes on small changes as we age, but our basic skeletal and muscular makeup remains the same.

“Hey, Karen. It’s Mickey. Remember when you broke up with me because you said I’d never grow into my looks. Well, I hope you choke on what I’m about to tell you…”

It was during this tumultuous decade that Mickey Mouse grew into his body. No longer did his feet and head shrink and expand like a balloon squeezed in the center, then released.

Finally, Mickey was greeted by children with smiles, kids from all over the world who recognized him and yelled, “It’s Mickey!” instead of wondering, “Is that… is that Mickey? What happened to him?”

Evolution sometimes makes mistakes. Case in point: for years, the Three Little Pigs suffered from what doctors termed Camel Toe-Butt Stomachs.

I hope this has been illuminating for you Disney Creationists out there.

I know I won’t convince the most hardened among you, but I do hope more of you will be open to the evidence I’ve laid out. If you read this, but still cannot allow yourself to believe this is nothing but propaganda, then I cannot say anything more.

To you, the older pictures of Mickey were images of foreign knockoffs that violated copyright law. Then again, you people probably also believe there’s an actor inside a costume and that Mickey doesn’t actually live at Disneyland.

I pity you.

“If you wanna see your child again, just keep smiling and look natural, lady.”