The following was transcribed from KMVM’s original broadcast
DON BLANCMAN (Parade Co-Master): This is Don Blancman coming to you live atop the viewing post on Viking Blvd. in the heart of our beautiful downtown for what we hope to be an exciting display of pride and unity. For those of you just joining us here at the five o’clock hour, we are still waiting for the parade, scheduled to start at noon, to begin. If any of you will remember last year’s event, the parade began six hours early and, consequently, was missed by the media entirely. This year, we thought we’d be smart and show up eight hours early. Once again, we were wrong. As always, joining me here in the booth is the charming Ellyn Magellen.
ELLYN MAGELLEN (Parade Co-Master): Thanks, Don. This is the 35th year KMVM has broadcast live coverage of the First Annual Dumb People Celebration Day. I have to be honest, Don, besides that undercover reporting I did regarding the Society of Amish Gigilos, this is probably my favorite assignment.
DON BLANCMAN: Mine, too, Ellyn. Which says a lot as I’ve co-hosted dozens of events from the Atheists’ Christmas Parade to the Rappers for the GOP fundraiser. And yet, it is always this parade that reigns supreme in my book of extensive reporting and emceeing for a generous public that, as you know, has awarded me a great number of local broadcasting awards for excellence. Now might be a good time to mention my new line of Blancman aftershave that I think our viewers will…
ELLYN MAGELLEN: Sorry to interrupt, Don. I’m getting word that the parade is beginning four blocks to the east of Viking Blvd. The anxious crowd, some of whom have been waiting since 6AM, is rushing over to catch it. Let’s go live to our video feed.
DON BLANCMAN: Just listen to the crowd heave a hearty cheer as they arrive on the scene. Just in time, too, because making its way up the street is the first entry in the procession. Is that who I think it is?
ELLYN MAGELLEN: Yes, Don. It appears to be the street sweeper. He looks understandably bewildered pushing his broom up the clean street, but it’s still a nice start to the parade. Wouldn’t you agree?
DON BLANCMAN: I sure would. Next in line, carrying what appears to be a blank banner are dozens of proud parade participants. They seem to be chanting something, a slogan of some kind, but I can’t quite make it out. So, lets go live to our man on the street, junior reporter Whitey Peters. Whitey?
WHITEY PETERS (voice cracking): Thanks, Don. I’m standing beside the marchers and I have to say, they are some of the proudest people I’ve ever seen.
DON BLANCMAN: Any idea why they’re carrying a blank banner, Whitey?
WHITEY PETERS (voice cracking): Oh, it’s not blank. You have to look closely, but it reads ‘pRoud aNd dumB’ and appears to have been written on a typewriter with a 10-point font.
ELLYN MAGELLEN: Can you tell us what it is they’re chanting?
WHITEY PETERS (voice cracking): Well, they begin chanting ‘We’ve come, we’re dumb, we, uhh…’ and then trail off into an assortment of mumbled confusion.
DON BLANCMAN: Thanks, Whitey. We’ll come back with Whitey in a moment, but, first, I’m seeing that the next entry in the parade is from the Local International Tri-County Marching Band. Looking very regal in their red and gold uniforms, I might add.
ELLYN MAGELLEN: Don, I think for the sake of our radio listeners we should explain that the sound of whistles and marching feet is, in fact, the only noise coming from this forty member assemblage as it is made up entirely of marching band leaders.
DON BLANCMAN: A magnificent display, nonetheless, Ellyn. Once again, we’re going to go back down to our man on the street, junior reporter Whitey Peters. Whitey?
WHITEY PETERS (voice cracking): Thanks, Don. This next group of marchers, wearing dark sunglasses and hiding behind newspapers, represents an organization called PFRDP or Parents and Friends of Really Dumb People.
ELLYN MAGELLEN: I would just like to say how admirable this display is and what an inspiration they are to those of us who don’t happen to know any dumb people. Do you think it would be possible for us to talk to a few of the participants, Whitey?
WHITEY PETERS: Absolutely. Excuse me, ma’am. Excuse me. Whitey Peters, KMVM news. I was wondering if maybe….
PFRDP WOMAN: Isn’t it bad enough that my only daughter is…one of them?! Do I have to be ridiculed on television? Leave me alone, please.
WHITEY PETERS (voice cracking): I’d just like to get your name for….
PFRDP WOMAN: Get that camera out of my face!
WHITEY PETERS (voice cracking): Gol-ly! Carl, are you alright? Yeah? Yeah, he’s okay and the camera’s not broken, either. Boy oh boy, that lady was nuts.
ELLYN MAGELLEN: Maybe you should move onto someone else, Whitey.
WHITEY PETERS (voice cracking): I think that’d be a good idea, Ellyn. Uh, how about you, sir? Whitey Peters, KMVM news. Would you tell our thousands of viewers your name and…Ugh!
ELLYN MAGELLEN: It appears Whitey has been knocked out cold by a wicked left hook. Let’s see if we can’t get some ice down there for him.
DON BLANCMAN: I’m not going to finish this third snow cone, so you can go ahead and bring that to him, won’t ya, Bill? Tell him he can pay me back for it, later.
(SIPS REMAINING RASPBERRY FLAVORING FROM SNOW CONE)
Now, let’s go back to the festivities!
ELLYN MAGELLEN: Way ahead of you, Don. I am tickled to death because this next entry in the parade is always one of my favorites. The float is a gigantic pot o’gold surrounded by oversized four leaf clovers. The riders are nothing short of adorable dressed in the familiar garb of leprechauns. If we were allowed to give out awards for best float, I would definitely hand it to this entry from the Organization of Dumb People of Italian Descent.
DON BLANCMAN (chuckling): That reminds me of a joke about the two leprechauns that get kidnapped by Jack the Ripper. The leprechauns are walking down a back alley in search of Victorian prostitutes when…
ELLYN MAGELLEN: Don, I’m sorry to interrupt, again, but I’m being told that we are going to go live to Harold Robson reporting from the KMVM chopper for some breaking news. Harold, can you hear us?
HAROLD ROBSON: Yes, Ellyn. We’re flying directly over Contract Bridge, where traffic is at a total standstill in both directions. Commuters are honking their horns, some are even standing atop their cars and yelling a slew of profanities I haven’t heard since I worked as a camp counselor.
ELLYN MAGELLEN: What seems to be the problem? Is there an accident?
DON BLANCMAN: Are there Hippies?
HAROLD ROBSON: No, it appears to be official float of the Dumb Peoples Parade’s Grand Marshal. It’s stopped in the center of the bridge.
DON BLANCMAN: Well, has it broken down?
HAROLD ROBSON: No, it just seems to have found a really good place to park.
DON BLANCMAN: Can we get a shot of that, Harold?
HAROLD ROBSON: Absolutely.
DON BLANCMAN: Well, well, well. I don’t think introductions are in order as our viewers will no doubt recognize that jolly Grand Marshal as Santa Claus. Getting an even closer shot, we can see that he’s calling out ‘Happy Halloween’ to all of those nearby and generously tossing out black olives by the handfuls. He’s truly the saint that never stops giving.
ELLYN MAGELLEN: Okay, we’re going to go back to our parade coverage where it appears that another year’s celebration is drawing to a close.
DON BLANCMAN: Sad to say that it is, Ellyn, and judging from those screams of terror and stampeding of fleeing parade watchers, it would seem that, as always, bringing up the rear is the Automobile Association of Stupid People.
ELLYN MAGELLEN: Are those cars driving heading straight for us? Oh my god, they are! Don, look out!