Holiday Rules For Everyone

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“Home is where the heart is.”

“Don’t spend more than you can afford.”

Advice that has been handed down for generations and stood the test of time are the result of a combination of common sense, downhome know-how and a cycle of emotional abuse that perpetuates the strict demands of those relatives long dead.

Holiday advice is, in many aspects, a tradition. And, for much the same reason that certain decorations are dusted off every year, despite their cracking, bending and being covered in black mold, tradition is one of the hallmarks of the holidays. (Fun fact: It is also one of the hallmarks of Hallmark!)

"Wait, so why am I putting this giant centipede on the tree, again?""It's tradition!... Or maybe an urban legend. I don't really know."
“Wait, so why am I putting this giant, Indonesian centipede on the tree, again?”
“‘Cuz it’s tradition, silly!… Now, where did that scorpion run off to?”

With tradition comes unspoken (but occasionally yelled) rules that are drilled into your young psyche, put through the ringer of dysfunctional family gatherings and, for a large investment, can be purged and unlearned through years of Cognitive Behavior Therapy.

As you ready yourself for a day of overeating, passive aggressive conversations and the opening of presents and old wounds, my egg nog-addled brain has put together tips that I believe will make this holiday season a win for you and a heartwarming* memory for your family (but, then again, I believe our cat understands everything I say).

*By  heartwarming, I mean in the emotional, full of good will sense and not in the defibrillator set to maximum sense.

***

HOLIDAY TIPS FOR WOMEN

1.  Not everyone in your family appreciates candles and bath oils as Christmas gifts
2. Your brother isn’t as bad a person as you remember, but your sister is even worse of a person than you remember
3. Christmas with the family is not the best place to unveil your new implants
4. Despite the three hours you spent getting ready, your mother will still say, “You could be so pretty, if you just made a little effort.”
5. Flirting at holiday parties can be fun
6. Flirting at your family’s Christmas dinner is inappropriate
7. When your toddler (you know, the one with the biting problem) gets knocked into a wall by the dog, everyone else will be quietly laughing

"You girls look lovely. It's a shame, though, about your nose, Jane. Oh, and your teeth, Stella. You both could be so pretty, but, alas, you've got your father's genes and will probably become spinsters."
“Oh, you girls look just lovely. Still, it’s a shame, though, about your nose, Jane. Oh, and your teeth, Stella. You both could be so pretty, but, alas, you’ve got your father’s genes and will probably become spinsters.”

HOLIDAY TIPS FOR MEN

1. “Xmas” is not referring to the soft-core version of “XXXmas
2. Your 88-year old grandmother may be nodding as you enthusiastically recount The Hobbit, but she’s actually thinking, “God, they raised a 34- year old idiot.”
3. Your mouthing of elaborate drum beats is not causing anyone to think, “Hey, that kid’s got talent!”
4. When your aunt asks how your girlfriend is, she’s not referring to ‘in bed’
5. When your uncle asks how your girlfriend is, he is referring to ‘in bed’ (NOTE: your uncle is creepy)
6. Nobody, except your 2-year old nephew, believes that the bong you unpacked is a skull-shaped jelly bean holder
7. This still won’t be the year that your parents finally fulfill your childhood wish of getting a Millennium Falcon for Christmas

no falcon for mike
Here, I begin the now long-standing tradition of the Disappointment At Not Getting A Millennium Falcon.

***

Here is hoping that everyone has a happy holidays and everyone gets some good gifts. Me, I’m sure to get socks. I don’t need more socks, mom! Unless that box of socks is hiding a Millennium Falcon, I just can’t pretend to get too excited!… Oh really?…. Really?… Well, go spend Christmas with Trudy and her stupid son, Mr. Perfect Blogger… Fine. And give him this while you’re at it… No, it’s not my ring finger. God, you don’t pay any attention to me!… I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!

Happy Holidays, everybody!

086e75b849b3a112_large
“What is Christmas, Mummy?”
“Well, Christmas is a holiday that, due to our poor diet and limited medical knowledge, only 3 of you will enjoy into adulthood.”

33 thoughts on “Holiday Rules For Everyone

  1. michele

    Correction….your sister is even more awesome than you remember.😉. We will miss you tomorrow….. too bad you missed the Christmas Eve white elephant gift exchange….. there were 3 Milenium Falcons. : p

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    1. I’ve never had mulled wine and know of nobody that is sure how to make it. If a Millennium Falcon is at the end of the mulled wine road, though, I will try making it however many toasters and microwaves get destroyed in the process.

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      1. Well, no, but if you were to find one–cuz I’m not gonna give you mine for this purpose–Both the flamingo’s neck and the stocking are long and skinny, and Chewy might have a fun time, well, chewing on them. I can’t believe I just suggested that. Must be a residual humbug in me…

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  2. Merry Christmas! Those helpful hints are more important than ever, particularly as the problem of “Creepy Uncleism” becomes more and more pronounced.

    And I got the Falcon. I still have it.

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    1. Bastard. My mom even bought the Falcon for you, didn’t she?

      I actually saw one a few days ago at an antique store and considered buying it, but couldn’t think of what I would do with it once it was actually home.

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