Lazy Lists



Sometimes propriety comes from a woman whose articles are syndicated in newspapers nationwide. Other times, it is a learned behavior based on observation and the guidance of others. And, sometimes, it is simply natural and intuitive, like breathing, squinting at the sun or blaming an international banking crisis on a small group of Inter-dimensional Zionist Freemasons.

Aspects of every personality are formed by environment or heredity or both. A taste in music may mirror that of your parents; a propensity for science may show itself from the moment a child can ask ‘why?’ In short, there is no right answer. People can force themselves into a mold, whether it fits or not, or they can simply follow their gut and do what feels to be the right thing. Some choices may be highbrow (respectable, cultured and pretentious) and others might be lowbrow (crass, uncivilized and pathological).

Not sure which category you fit into? Below are some examples to help you build up or tear down your self-perception and confidence. You’re welcome.

Highbrow – Bottle of rare wine shared with friends over light conversation
Lowbrow – Homemade hooch from a milk carton shared with a semi-feral raccoon

An intellectual discussion takes place between two of society’s most demure

Highbrow – Seeing a live performance of Oklahoma! with your spouse
Lowbrow – Seeing your spouse perform topless at a bar in Oklahoma

Highbrow – A weekend getaway at a charming bed and breakfast in the country
Lowbrow – Any attempted getaway from your botched bait and tackle robbery

Highbrow – Engraving the name of your loved one onto a crystal vase
Lowbrow – Getting a tattoo on your forehead professing your love of crystal meth

Highbrow – Exercising your right to vote in the democratic process
Lowbrow – Wasting your vote by writing ‘Metallica Rocks!’ in the candidate box

Highbrow – Mimosas and strawberries for brunch
Lowbrow – Tang sprinkled on white bread for dinner

Highbrow – Anxiously awaiting a theatrical version of your favorite literary work
Lowbrow – Anxiously awaiting the release of Dirty %$*&@ Schoolgirls XXII

“Make sure you got the guest bucket and not the house bucket. I don’t wanna share. That’s gross!”

Highbrow – Providing houseguests with their own set of toiletries
Lowbrow – Providing houseguests with their own bucket

Highbrow – Purchasing your pipe tobacco from fair trade organizations
Lowbrow – Having to apologize for tobacco juice on the TV remote

Highbrow – Use your wealth and success for philanthropic purposes
Lowbrow – Believe ‘philanthropists’ were those guys that attacked us on 9/11

Highbrow – When Alfred Lord Tennyson is mentioned, you smile appreciatively
Lowbrow – When Alfred Lord Tennyson is mentioned, you ask, “That guy on the cover of MAD?”

Highbrow – Enjoy dressing appropriately for social events
Lowbrow – Often feel defeated by clip-on ties

Highbrow – At all times, you are kind, civil and never come across as a boob
Lowbrow – You just laughed while reading the word ‘boob’

Highbrow – An editor offering to pay a writer $.45/word for a Highbrow/Lowbrow list
Lowbrow – A douchebag editor ignoring the emails from said writer regarding terms of payment


7 thoughts on “Highbrow/Lowbrow”

  1. Calahan,
    Le Cowboy once again speaks before I do. I thought there was a hierarchy in the big game of life…

    On top: Clowns
    Then strippers
    And way last on the list cowboys.


    Le Clown


    1. Le Clown,

      Please, please, accept my apologies. The Cowboy will be visited by some of my enforcer friends from a Mexican drug cartel by the end of the night and, well, the hierarchy will be returned.



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